I’ve already been there and back
and it’s over and I
said my piece is it my
peace I said the words in a row
how’s that I articulated them
into a microphone the words
carried to the back of the room we had
an hour total to sum it up I had
around three minutes to say my
piece before that we were
out on the open grass and
a box of you in front of us
filled with ashes of you some
parts of you the accuracy
completeness the purity of the
ash I mean how can you
guarantee anyway it was
overcast you could barely
tell that out there was the
enormous Pacific it looked
like just more sky it was
the ocean huge and
engulfing we were there
tiny against all that
panorama and you were tinier
you were a number of ashes inside
a box sitting on some makeshift
green turf your father
lifted the box of your ashes into
a larger urn your wife
put in an envelope no one knows
the contents your mother was sitting
on an outdoor chair crying your
sister behind her was crying
your brother and his wife
your kids having no idea
what was hitting them what was
going on anyway now it’s
over some dudes
rolled up in a funereal golf cart
they had muddy hiking boots
they knelt down by your urn
it was on a motorized blue fabric
conveyor which they turned on and
lowered you down into a
hole a fairly deep hole the alto hum
of the machinery filled the air
their walkie-talkies crackled from
the golf cart parked nearby we heard
the operator’s voice communicate that
some other caskets had been sprayed
and were ready for pick-up “copy”
the fabric conveyor took forever
to lower but also not long enough
because I wish you never hit
the bottom I wish there
was never a bottom of the
hole and no box and no ashes
on the way here I kept
imagining you might be
on the same plane traveling home
to San Francisco or that I might
see you in the airport
accidentally because Tim it’s
the first day of spring today and
it’s pretty decent out like 60 degrees
and a good day for riding
your bike and a good day for
a picnic at the beach Em and I
drove to a number of beaches
as your ambassador we wanted
you to be there but we went ahead
for the time being

Originally published in White Wall Review 40 (2016)